“And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.” Alma 40:12

"But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.” Mosiah 4:15

There are some experiences in life that must be faced at some time or other. One of those is the death of a loved one. Death is something that I did not have a lot of experience with. Several years ago a friend of mine asked me if I would sit with her while her mother passed away. It was my first experience with death and I really did not know what to expect.

I met Ellen while I was acting as a volunteer to help disabled people. Ellen was blinded at birth when they gave her too much oxygen. Her mother was her only care giver and support and was dying. Ellen had learned to play the keyboard so she would sit and play music for her mother. I just sat and listened and kept Ellen company.

After several hours, Ellen’s mother slowly stopped breathing and quietly passed away. It was a peaceful experience and one that made me think of what life was like after death. As I walked out of the hospital, I found it interesting that I had just witnessed someone die which was a major experience for me. Yet, everyone around me was going on with life as though nothing had happened.

I pondered the questions of “What was she doing now?” “Where did she go, and who came to get?” I was glad that I had the knowledge of the plan of salvation to help me understand what I had just experienced.

I thought that I was prepared to be able to handle the death of my parents when the time came, but my experience with them was totally different than what I had expected. It was one that would stretch me to my maximum in all aspects of life. I learned how powerful family and friendships are in helping to ease the burdens placed upon us at times.

Somewhere around 2005, my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It was a mild disease for the first couple of years, and then life began to get challenging. My father purchased the home across the street from the family of Frank Long in hopes that one of his girls would move in to help care for him and mom. At first, I thought that I would be the one, because he asked me if I wanted to buy it. He then forgot and asked my sister Colleen if she would move down from Salt Lake and live there. My sister never had a close relationship with my parents growing up and she was hoping that she would be able establish the relationship that she missed as a child.

For the first couple of years it was not so bad. She would go over every day and check on them. Colleen spent a lot of time taking them on drives or out to dinner, maintaining the yard, and provided anything that they needed. As time went on, my father started to (what I would say) get into mischief. He was a handyman at heart and loved doing about anything. With Alzheimer’s, for some reason, the brain begins to deteriorate and the ability to actually do what one knows does not work anymore.

Life for Colleen became very difficult, so she decided to move into our parents’ home and stay with them so she could give 24 hour care. Colleen’s husband stayed in their home across the street. She lived separated from her husband until my father passed away and she moved to Salt Lake. Mel would go over and eat with them and then go back home. She gave what I would call unconditional love.

Our lives from this point on would be changed forever as my father slowly slipped away from us. He started doing damage to things, like taking the ax to the sprinkling system because it would not work; cutting the TV cable to the apartment to get it out of the way so it could be painted; pulling the thermostat off the wall because he could not fix it. He would pull the TV remote apart because he could not remember how to push the buttons, and then start pulling wires from the television because he thought there was something wrong with the TV. He wanted to help Colleen fix up her home so he would go over to her house and poke holes in the wall to put outlets in and then sit and stare because he did not know what to do.

One experience that we all had to laugh at was when he was trying to move the TV cables from the apartment so we could paint. He found a wire on the outside of the apartment and started to pull on it. Lena Mae, our renter and my sister’s mother-in-law, was in the apartment, when all of a sudden she saw her television jumping across the table. She grabbed hold of the television and was trying to keep it on the table while dad was pulling on it from outside. She was hollering trying to get someone to stop dad from pulling the wires. We all had to laugh at that one for some time. To try and keep things light at times, we said we were going to write a book on the humor of Alzheimer’s when we got through our experience, in hopes of making the burden easier to bear for someone else.

We finally had to hide all of dad’s tools, which broke his heart and our hearts. I kept my father occupied while my sister would go and get the tools and take them to her house. My father would ask me if I knew what had happend to his tools, and I had to lie to him. He would tell me how it hurt him that his family would steal from him. It tore me apart inside and there was nothing that I could do. I would just keep hoping that some day in the hereafter he would understand.

My father had prostate problems and refused to treat it so it ultimately put him into renal failure. I guess in one way that was a blessing because it shortened his life and having to live with Alzheimer’s.

I sat in the hospital with him one day. I was trying to make a gift for my parents for Christmas. I wanted it special, so I tried to create a miniature model of the home that I was raised in along with miniatures of the old fashioned ice cream mixer and Tote Gote that we all had fond memories of and it had given us good stories to tell.

I could not remember the details of how the Tote Gote looked, so I asked dad to draw me a picture of a Tote Gote. My time with him in the hospital drawing that picture has become one of my favorite memories of my father as I look at the little Tote Gote and ice cream mixer that I ultimately made.

In order to preserve dad’s life, he needed to be catheterized to allow the bladder to drain because the bladder muscles no longer functioned. This is where Alzheimer’s ultimately brought him to his death. He could not understand what was happening to him so he would pull the catheters out. After pulling out two catheters, the doctors decided that it would be useless to put another one in. We would have to let nature take its course, and he became terminally ill.

He always took pride in having complete control of his mind. He would spend hours studying mind control, and wanted so much to have his children understand the concepts of success. He was incredible to observe because, to a large extent, he could control his pain and suffering even with the loss of his memory. I sometimes felt that he was able to minimize and slow down the effects of Alzheimer’s. Never did he ever complain of pain or discomfort. He would only say that he was not a teenager anymore.

A few months before my father passed away, my mother had a stroke. It paralyzed her on one side, affected her speech, and affected her memory. My father could not understand what was wrong and would ask her to do things that were dangerous to her. She was so used to serving dad that she would do anything he asked. Dad’s requests would put her in danger of falling, but she would still try.

Because of where I worked, I had the ability to work at home. I set up the computer at my parents’ home and would take off work a few hours early a couple of days a week. I would stay with them until late in the evening to give Colleen a break. This would allow her to go to her home and relax and clean it up.

At work, they encouraged me to put my father on hospice so that we could get more support. My sister was not in favor of the idea because she felt that it was too early, but she went along with my desire to bring them in anyway.

Dad did not pass away for about nine months. Even though he did not pass away when expected, over the next few months, we were able to get some videos of mom and dad, while hospice was working with them, that became priceless.

We wanted some videos of dad and mom, but whenever we wanted to take pictures of dad, he would insist on dressing up in suit and tie and would become proper and business like. When hospice would come, Colleen would hide the camera so that dad and mom did not know they were being filmed. We were able to get some videos of dad just being his casual self. The chaplain had a wonderful way with dad and was able to get him talking about his memories. The music therapist would sing and play old music that he loved and would have him participate with her.

There were several times over the last couple of months of dad’s life where we thought we were going to lose him. One morning Colleen called me and told me that she thought that we were losing dad. I hurried over and found that his face was all swollen and he was having a difficult time. We called the hospice nurse and he came over. He told us that he probably had less than a day left. We called everyone and told them of the possibility so they could say their goodbyes if they wanted to.

Around 5:00 p.m. that evening, we were sitting in the living room talking, when all of a sudden, dad walked down the hall and asked when supper was going to be fixed. We were all dumb founded. He came from being in a semi-comatose state and dying, to up and running around the house wanting to eat. We were all on an emotional roller coaster and never knew what to expect.

As dad’s health declined, he would experience what was called “sundowners” where he would roam all night. We would put up gates in the hallway so that when he got disoriented at night it would channel him back into the bedroom. We would lock the back door so he could not go downstairs if he got out of the gates, and we would pull the couch in front of the front door to block it. It became a 24 hour care project, so my sisters and I would take turns spending the night with Colleen so she was not alone. Colleen would sleep with mom and we would sleep in dad’s room with dad.

One experience that I would like to relate is one that confirmed to me that our Heavenly Father is aware of each one of us and our needs.

It was a Sunday morning and I had left for church. As I was sitting in the chapel before sacrament meeting, I felt anxious and knew that I needed to leave and go to mom and dad. I left church and went to Provo to see what was up. As I walked into mom and dad’s home, I was met with two of my sisters (Karen and Colleen) in tears. I turned and asked Karen what was happening and she told me that they were losing mom. Norm Sorensen, a neighbor and good friend, was there talking to mom. The bishop just stood at the door and observed the nightmare that we were experiencing.

We had my father in the bedroom dying and my mother in the living room dying at the same time. My sisters did not know what to do or who to call because everyone was in church and there was no priesthood. Just then the doorbell rang and the bishop and Norm Sorensen, his counselor and my parents’ best friend, came in. The bishop was sitting in sacrament meeting and had a strong feeling that they needed to go visit the Jolley home immediately! He and his counselor left the meeting and came to our need. The bishop had never been in the home of my parents and had no clue of the magnitude of stress or problems that we were going through. I am so grateful that our Heavenly Father knew of our problem and that the bishop responded to the promptings to come and help.

Norm gave my mother a blessing and told her that it would be okay if she went with dad but that she should check to make sure that Heavenly Father did not have other plans that would be better for her. Ultimately, she came out of her state of mind and we were blessed to have her around a little longer.

By the end of December 2008, my father was pretty much bed bound and was not able to communicate much. I would go in and talk to him and tend to his needs. I would introduce myself so that he would know that it was me, and then give him a hug.

Shortly before my father passed away, I was giving my dad my traditional hug, when to my surprise, he raised his arm up and gave me a hug. He had very little strength at this time so raising his arms up to give me a hug was surprising to me. I knew he was telling me that he loved me and saying “goodbye.” I was always close to my father and will forever cherish that moment.

The last month of my father’s life was challenging beyond words, and my three sisters and I learned how to overcome disagreements and misunderstandings. By keeping communications open and talking out our frustrations, we were able to stay as friends and work together until he passed away.

There were times when we had to make decisions and we couldn’t tell whether they were based on the right reasons or based on emotions and fatigue. Questions like, “What was life sustaining?” or “What was not life sustaining?” or “Do we give him morphine or not?” really became confusing. Were we making decisions because we were exhausted and we just wanted a quick solution to ease our struggle or were decisions based on providing dad with the adequate care, comfort and support he needed as he approached death? I don’t know if we ever figured out the right answers or made the right decisions. I am sure that we made a lot of mistakes, but I know that we all did our best.

The emotional roller coaster was tough. We were all pushed to our limits, and at times we blamed each other for things that were done that we each felt were not right. The important thing that I learned was to keep in close touch with my sisters and my Heavenly Father. My sister Deanne was a wonderful mediator and was always a strong influence to all of us during our disagreements.

I did a lot of praying, crying, and pondering about life and what was important. I would go to my sisters’ many times and they would come to me and express how we each felt about things and what had happened to them. It allowed us to talk through our misunderstandings and clear the air so that we could deal with the stresses of helping my father and mother through the dying process.

It was a Saturday afternoon and my sisters were changing shifts for caring for dad. Sherrie Hoffman, Colleen’s daughter, had come down to Provo from the Salt Lake area, and they were going to take Colleen to a movie. Sherrie went in to see grandpa one last time before leaving. She said “Grandpa, why are you making it so hard; why don’t you just go home?” Sherrie left his room to get ready to go to the show. Just as they were getting ready to leave, a few minutes later, Colleen went back in to make one last check on dad before she left and found that he had passed away. It was Saturday, January 24, 2009 at 1:00 p.m.

In the Spring of 2009 Colleen and Mel found a home across the street from where she used to live in Salt Lake City, and bought it. She was in hopes of having her children nearby to help her in her older years, and maybe help with the care of her husband Mel. In August she and Mel moved up to Salt Lake with my mother and my care giving time was pretty much over. With working full time, I could not get up to Salt Lake to help Colleen with the care of mom.

On September 8, 2009 my mother suffered a massive stroke while Colleen was trying to put her in the car after taking her out to lunch. Colleen got her home where her son, Michael, came over and helped to get mom into the house. Colleen called me at work and told me of the stroke, so I left immediately for Salt Lake. I took Melanie with me because we were carpooling and I needed some emotional support to adjust to the fact that I would now lose my mother.

The following eight days were experiences that I would never forget. We had spoken with both my parents several times and had agreed that we would not put them on any life support .When I got to Colleens and saw the situation, we agreed that we would not call the ambulance, but we would let nature take its course.

We were told not to call hospice because it could possibly mess up insurance coverage, so we spent the first night at home alone. We did not have a hospital bed, so caring for mom was physically draining. She was throwing up most of the night so we had to watch her and keep rolling her on her side so she would not choke.

In the morning, Sherrie Hoffman (Colleen’s daughter), phoned and told us that she had been checking with various hospice agencies and was told that we had been misinformed and to call them immediately. Within an hour, hospice was there and had all the services put in place to help us through the next week.

Hospice ordered a hospital bed which made taking care of mom much easier. The nurse explained that mom had approximately a week to live and went through some training with Colleen and me on medications and what to expect. She would stop by once a day to check on how things were going and answer any questions. The aide came and bathed mom every day and showed us how to watch for bed sores and how to prevent them. The Chaplin and grief counselor came in and offered whatever services we needed emotionally and spiritually to help get us through.

About the third day after mom’s stroke, Colleen and I thought that we were going to lose mom. We called my sisters Karen and Deanne and told them that we thought we might lose her. They came up and spent the night with us. Her breathing became really shallow and she would have long intervals where she would not breathe at all. By about 11:00 p.m. we could not even see her breathing. I would put my hand up to her mouth to try and feel any air movement. We thought if we called the mortuary by the time they came from Provo, she would be gone and maybe we could get to bed before 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. We had had very little sleep over the last three days and we were pretty much exhausted.

All of a sudden my mother took a big gasp of air and her breathing came back and she was stable again. By this point we were afraid to sleep because we would not be there if she needed us but we were so tired we could not stay awake. The thought came to me of how Peter, the Apostle must have felt when the Savior asked him to stay awake and he couldn’t. It was a lousy feeling wanting to help but not being able to.

We finally decided that maybe she wanted to be alone to die so we left her room and tried to get some sleep. I would lie on the couch and listen with the monitor for any problems. If I didn’t hear anything, I thought that she had passed away and would run and check. If I heard her breathing labored and rattling I was afraid that she would choke. As tired as we were, sleeping was not easy. But somehow in the early morning, we finally made it. In the morning we thought that we would find her gone. To our surprise, when we woke up, she was still alive.

I started feeling guilty because I found myself wanting her to go. I was tired of the suffering she was going through, and that we were going through and we were physically exhausted. I was sitting by her bedside just talking to her when I fell asleep and my head dropped. She felt my face like she was blind and began touching me. I told her that it was Diane and I let her touch my face and hair. She then put her arm around my neck and I realized that it was her way of communicating and saying goodbye. I felt her love and that everything was going to be okay.

I called my sister Deanne in and told her what Mom was doing and told her to let her stroke her face and hair. Each one of us went in for about a half an hour and just enjoyed this very personal time alone with mom. Karen and Deanne had to go home that day, but they were content to know that they had that special time where they could have their goodbye time with mom.

On the morning of September 17, 2009, mom was fighting to breathe. I went in and told Colleen that I thought that she was in the death rattle and asked if I should give her some morphine. Colleen felt that she was not there yet after experiencing dad’s death so I left Colleen and went back to mom. I finally told Colleen that I did not know what the death rattle was, but that I was declaring that she was in it. I told her that the nurse said that she would not last over 24 hours and that would be at 4:00 p.m. that night. I said that mom would have to pass away before that hour. We were both so very tired and emotionally shot.

We were not sure whether to give more morphine, because we did not know how much she got on my first attempt to give it to her. At this point I was not sure if I wanted to give mom morphine to help her or to help me. I was afraid that I would overdose her to hurry her death, and I did not know what to do. We finally decided to try a little more and it seemed to ease her breathing.

The nurse happened to stop by about this time on her daily visit and realized my mother was dying so she took over and stayed until mom passed away. She passed away about 1 hour after the nurse arrived on September 17, 2009 in the early afternoon.

Our care giving days for my father and mother were over. We had accomplished their wish of not having to be placed in a nursing home. We had also accomplished their wish that the family stay together and not fight over the estate. We remained friends.

After going through the last few years in caring for my parents I really learned that things just don’t matter. I love each one of my sisters and I would not hurt them for the world. I love my parents for the legacy they left and the example they set for me. I am grateful for the love my parents gave to me and that we, as sisters, could keep our family together through it all.

Satan wants families destroyed and he will do anything to break them up. Death is a prime time for Satan to attack, as feelings are tender and stress is high and we are very susceptible to his influence. Likewise, we are also susceptible and very responsive to peace and guidance of the Holy Ghost who will strengthen and edify. My plea to each of you is that you will not let him win. Don’t put things over relationships because it is not worth it in the end. Your spouses, your children, and your siblings are your most valuable assets. Your best choice, as the prophets have encouraged us to make, is to teach, protect, and cherish your families above all things. The blessings we can obtain are eternal and sure.